***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
