the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
