I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
