I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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