Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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