I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize