youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
