I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
