I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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