cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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