i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
