my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
