dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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