If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I deserve this hangover.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
