Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
