I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
