no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
