First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
