i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
