If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
