I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
