I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
