Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
