I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
