oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
