He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
