I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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