clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Send help, water and tortillas.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
