Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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