My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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