if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
