So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize