I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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