just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
