I molested 6 butterflies tonight
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
false alarm, still single
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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