thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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