I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
