I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
