when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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