Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
