The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
