No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
