There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
