Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
