Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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