I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We have started to decorate penises.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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