By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
