I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
