Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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