possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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