how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
