im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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