You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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