How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
